How To Be A Good Friend
Someone once said, "Show me your friends, and I'll show you your future." It's a powerful statement and a bold claim that proves true in most cases. That's because the friends you and I surround ourselves with will significantly impact the direction you take and the choices you make in life. Proverbs says this: "The one who walks with the wise will become wise, but a companion of fools will suffer harm (Proverbs 13:20)." All of us could give examples of moments in our life when this was true. Perhaps more than anything else in your life — more than classes, podcasts, TED Talks, or social media posts — your friends will shape the kind of person you become. You become like the people you're most often around. In other words, if you want to live a life of wisdom, one of the most important things you can do is surround yourself with good friends.
King Solomon knew the importance of friendship. Therefore, it's no surprise that the theme of friendship repeatedly appears throughout the book of Proverbs. Whether you have amazing friends or long for deeper friendships, it's vital to consider who are the loudest voices in your life. Who are the people that influence you the most?
All of us long for friendship. It's a desire hardwired into the way God created us. If that's true, then you and I need to know the difference between good and lousy friendships. Whether you're looking to be a good friend or you're seeking to find a good friend, the book of Proverbs has a lot to say. Let me share with you the four marks of a good friend.
1: A good friend is faithful.
The first mark of a good friend is they're faithful. In other words, they're there for you in good and bad times. The unfortunate reality, however, is that fair-weather friends are abundant. Proverbs says, "A poor person is hated even by his neighbor, but there are many who love the rich (Proverbs 14:20)." Later, Solomon writes, "Wealth attracts many friends, but a poor person is separated from his friend (Proverbs 19:4)."
Pastor Tim Keller says, "This shows the painful truth that most relationships are transactional. Most people you know stick around because you are useful to them."
Have you ever experienced that or felt that reality in your life?
Maybe you got a promotion at work, and suddenly people are laughing at your jokes and want to be your friend. Perhaps you've had seasons of prosperity in your life and found it easy to make friends. Or maybe you've experienced the dark side of this reality and found it the hardest to find a friend when you were at your lowest and needed people in your life most. The reason is that most relationships are not true friendships. One pastor said, "That means when you shatter, they scatter." We see this in Proverbs 18:24. It says, "One with many friends may be harmed, but there is a friend who stays closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24)."
In other words, even a person with many friends will have dark days in their life. Even a person with many friends will have seasons of suffering. Even a person with many friends will walk through the valley. But there is a friend who will stay close to you even when things are hard. That's one of the ways you know a true friend. A true friend sticks around when your entire world falls apart. When everyone else is scattering, they're still around. They don't leave when you're in trouble — they stick around. In many ways, that's one of the best ways to tell if your friends are legit; time and trouble. Ben Stuart says, "Time and trouble are good ways to discern if you have a lasting friendship." That's because a good friend is someone who sticks around when things are hard. They don't run at the first sign of trouble; they're in it for the long haul. A companion says, "Call me if you need anything," but a friend is just there.
2: A good friend is honest.
Not only are good friends faithful, but good friends are honest. They're willing to say the hard thing because they know it's for your good. Proverbs 27:5-6 says, "Better an open reprimand than concealed love. The wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive." In other words, if someone loves you but never tells you, it has no impact on your life. But when a friend is willing to correct you, it creates an opportunity for you to grow and change. A good friend will tell you what you want to hear, but they will also tell you what you need to hear. If someone only tells you what you want to hear, they may be a bad friend. What's incredible is that honesty leads to deeper friendships. Proverbs says, "One who rebukes a person will later find more favor than one who flatters with his tongue (Proverbs 28:23)." It says in another place, "Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another (Proverbs 27:17)."
That's what good friendship looks like — the willingness to say something hard to sharpen the other person. It doesn't mean you have to be rude. It simply means that you're willing to be candid with the person. A good friend will risk rejection for another person's good.
3: A good friend is trustworthy.
The third mark of a good friend is they are trustworthy. I understand that technically honesty and trustworthiness are synonyms — I promise you're not experiencing déjà vu. The point is you can trust a good friend to keep your confidence. They aren't going around telling the world your secrets. You can share your heart with them and know they aren't sharing it with someone else. Proverbs says, "A contrary person spreads conflict, and a gossip separates close friends (Proverbs 16:28)." And "Whoever conceals an offense promotes love, but whoever gossips about it separates friends (Proverbs 17:9)."
The reality is that you need someone in your life who you can trust with your unfiltered thoughts — someone who isn't gossiping behind your back. You need a trustworthy friend. Here's a way that I like to think about it. If your heart is like a house, you need all the lights on with someone. You don't have to confess to everyone, but you do need to confess to someone. And you need to be able to trust them.
One way to know if you can trust a friend is to examine what they share with you when you're together. If someone constantly tells you about other people's dirt, that person probably isn't a good friend to you. If they gossip about others, it's likely they also gossip about you. They probably aren't a good friend. Nothing will separate a friendship faster than gossip. It's toxic to relationships and only leads to disunity. So be the kind of friend that others can trust.
4: A good friend is sacrificial.
The final mark of a good friend is they're sacrificial. A friend is someone willing to sacrifice their comfort and their convenience for your good. Developing a friendship built on faithfulness, honesty, and trustworthiness takes time. It doesn't happen overnight. Proverbs says, "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a difficult time (Proverbs 17:17)." In other words, when hard times hit, they show up. They're faithful when things are hard. But here's the reality: being that kind of friend takes time and is often inconvenient. No one plans to walk through the valley — you don't put it on your calendar. So if you're going to be a good friend to someone when things are hard, it will likely mean changing plans last minute and spending money you didn't budget. It will mean going to bed later than you want to talk with someone in need. But that's what friends do — they sacrifice for your good.
A good friend sacrifices. They move in when everyone else moves out. A good friend will seek your good even when it costs something. A good friend will embrace inconvenience to pursue your flourishing. So, let me challenge you: If you're not ready to inconvenience yourself for someone else's advantage, you're not a good friend. If you stick around only when things are good, you're not a good friend. If you leave when things get hard, you're not a good friend. Why? Because a good friend is there, even when it's hard, even when it's inconvenient.
Friendship: longing & crushing
I don't know about you, but when I see the marks of a good friend from the book of Proverbs, two responses simultaneously occur in my heart. The first is longing, I long to be that kind of friend, but even more than that, I long to have those kinds of friends. Friends who will be faithful through the good times and the bad times, friends who are honest with me about my shortcomings, friends I can trust with my unfiltered thoughts, and friends who will sacrifice time and convenience to help me flourish. We long to have that kind of friendship with people.
Those marks of friendship not only create a longing in my heart, but they are also crushing. They are crushing because I realize that I fall short of each. I'm not always perfect faithful, honest, trustworthy, or sacrificial. It's easy for me to move away from hard conversations. And I often prioritize my convenience above the flourishing of others. Simply put, I'm not always the friend I want to be.
True Friendship
The beautiful truth of the gospel, however, is that in every way we fall short, Jesus was perfect. In John chapter 15, Jesus said to his disciples, "No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. I do not call you servants anymore, because a servant doesn't know what his master is doing. I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything I have heard from my Father (John 15:13-15)."
When Jesus said that, he reshaped and reframed the story of the Bible through friendship. Just consider for a moment. What happens when you betray a friend? Typically, they leave. Jesus didn't do that. Instead, he sacrificed for the very ones who were against him. Proverbs says, "Blessed are the wounds of a friend," but Jesus received wounds for his friends. He lost friendship with God so we could have it. Knowing that Jesus has forgiven you, loved you, and moved toward you in your brokenness frees you to do the same for others.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: I welcome any questions, comments, or additional thoughts you may have. If you were helped by something you read, please share it with your sphere of influence. Thanks!